It is thought that every seven years the body goes through a full cell shift and regenerates all new cells. Some believe this to be true, and others categorize this as theory, or even fallacy. But I feel that on some energetic level, there is some significance to this widely popular notion, and to go back to those pivotal years, 7, 14, 21, 28, and now 35, I can see that I had exceptional shifts in self that moved me to a new place of being, not only on this planet, but with myself.
Recently, I’ve had thoughts of an old boyfriend, Bobby. I haven’t spoken to him since just after we broke up, and admittedly, it was one of the more difficult breakups I’d had. We were friends for many years before dating, and we unfortunately found that being together in a romantic relationship was not in our highest and best interest, and only after getting involved with one another did we realize that. Unfortunately, we realized it a little too late, and our once supportive and considerate friendship turned into a bitter and vexing breakup, that left me grasping at the delicate threads that barely held me up.
I grieved our relationship; I grieved our friendship; I grieved for my own soul, and I knew that something truly pivotal had happened when we decided to end our courtship. I just couldn’t see that our ending was truly the beginning of the most transformative and soul-searching time I have had on this planet.
That was exactly 7 years ago this month.
Post-breakup, I remember deeply analyzing our romantic life, and when he asked me out for the first time, I simply responded with, “Okay…”, not sure if what he was proposing was a good or bad idea. I simply went with it because I was at a vulnerable point with relationships, and he was one of my closest friends – what could really go wrong? We deeply cared about each other as people, and he always took care of me when I needed a friend to help me with something; if we translated this into a romantic relationship, it might actually have a chance to flourish into something greater.
However, it turns out that saying “Okay” isn’t quite the same as saying “Yes”, and I discovered that this fine line signifies the division between being and settling. I knew at that moment that Bobby wasn’t the only man I had settled for, and in fact, I had settled for just about every man before him, with the exceptions of Craig and Avi.
It became clear that I allowed “Okay” to become the acceptable response for my love life, and that I had been living under such simplified expressions of relationships, none of which suited my deeper need for connection. Each significant other was hardly significant, and I continued to loose pieces of myself in each one.
But Bobby and my relationship shed light on each and every past relationship I attempted and settled for, and for the first time in my life, I saw the holding pattern I had adopted. I knew it was time to dig deeply into my past and see just where the pattern began, how to grab a hold of it, and work through each knot that bound me to settling for less.
And so began the soul journey.
I can honestly say that he changed my life for good, and although I’ve dipped into the settling pattern every once in a while since him, I am usually much more aware of when it is happening, and I quickly let go of the relationship before it gets too deep.
A few things are for sure, though. I no longer wait around for something or someone to grow into my idea of the relationship, and I no longer try to fit pieces together that clearly aren’t meant to connect. I’m aware of my needs and my feelings, and how I want my relationships to manifest. I don’t settle for anything less than what I know is best for me, and if it means taking a little longer to show up, I’m willing to be patient.
It may have taken me 7 years to complete this cycle and to finish the pattern, but I have nothing but gratitude for the relationship Bobby and I had. My entire being has truly regenerated, and I am certain now that who I was is never who I will be again.