Acceptance of anything can be really challenging because it forces us to stop fighting against ourselves.
I, for one, find that my type A personality starts to rear its ugly head whenever I find an area of my life where I feel I’m not as “proficient” in as I’d like to be, but then I realize that maybe I’m comparing myself to others in my social groups or peer circles.
And that alone, is lack of acceptance.
So when I showed up to class last night and our instructor told us that she wanted to focus on the practice of acceptance, I knew exactly where I wanted that focus directed: my physical body.
Since moving to Colorado, I feel like I’ve packed on the pounds due to various reasons: stress, lots of huge life changes, not feeling like I could find solid ground – just to mention a few. And so when my body feels like it is in the fight or flight mode, it puts on the pounds for extra “protection”.
Admittedly, I haven’t had a regular workout routine, and I have not at all been cautious with my food and alcohol intake as I know I need to be because my tiny 5’1″ frame cannot handle a lot of food. As soon as it hits my lips, the extra calories find my hips and love on them alllll daaaaay looooong.
My awareness of the extra “protection” has been frustrating to say the least. Many of my work clothes from days gone by are not only snug, but I can’t even zip a few of my skirts! EEK! I will once in a while, try on an article of clothing to see if just maybe it feels a little better, but I usually end up tearing off the clothes and berate myself until I feel so guilty about the excess “protection” that I obsess over it.
Such a type A personality thing to do!
So my yoga practice yesterday was about calming the choir of the Type A within me and telling it to just chill out, accept where my body is today, and know that I’m doing all I can to regain my health and my physical body.
I also decided to add to this a piece about it taking time, and that I won’t lose 15 pounds overnight like some people can do. My body just doesn’t work that way. It takes patience, refocus, cutting out certain foods such as sugar and processed carbohydrates, and more awareness as to what my body is actually asking for.
I spoke to my body while we were in class, and I let it know that I loved it just the way it is, and that I accepted it as it looks today. I had to breathe into each statement and fully believe it as I thought it. I needed to sink into that feeling and allow it to absorb into my cells to become a part of me.
I needed my body to know that my brain was no longer going to judge it for being heavier than it’s used to being. I needed my body to know that I appreciate all that it does for me. I needed my body to know that I’m so proud of it for showing up to yoga every day. I needed my body to know that I can feel it getting stronger. I needed my body to know that I will care for it and love it in the way that it needs to be cared for and loved. I needed my body to know that when I am back to my thinner weight, I will not think I still have more to lose.
I’ve spent so many years in this vicious cycle, and I know that I never quite fully accepted where I’ve been physically. Once… I lied. I accepted where I was once back in 2012. But that was almost 5 years ago. And it was only one time that I can recall.
That doesn’t feel so good.
So now, I am committing to accepting myself as I am everyday, even when the choir of type A voices come screaming at me to do more and be better, I have to quiet the hell out of them and say, “No. I accept who I am today and where I am today.”
And then I need to send those voices to yoga so they can learn the same lesson I’m learning: acceptance.