A year ago I admittedly was struggling with pretty much every area of my life: work, love, family, location, self. I would sometimes lock myself away in my apartment and detach from everything and everyone, not answering the phone, text messages, emails, or Facebook. I was wrapped in a cold blanket of emotions, questioning everything and coming up with nothing.
It was a long winter, to say the least, and all I could think about was breaking away from it all and starting anew. And it wasn’t just because I was struggling that I wanted to break away, it was more because I could feel the shift of energy telling me that my life book in Massachusetts was officially coming to an end, and a new life book was soon to be written.
But this knowledge provided only that – the completion of one cycle and the start of another. All I had was the knowledge of when I moved forward into this unknown, that’s all I’d have: a bunch of unknowns.
And that is some scary shit! Even when we know it’s the right decision, it’s still a scary thing to break away from a life that was comfortable, easy and predictable and move into something that has only variables. The biggest variable was: Is this the right choice for me to move across country and leave the stability of the life I created and lived for over a decade?
I think I got to a point where I felt I had no choice but to start over and break away from this life because the only things that were working for me were the job security and a few SoulSisters and SoulFamily that lived close by. Other than that, I was at a standstill with my life.
And maybe that’s the scariest part more than anything – being at a standstill in my mid 30s.
I instinctively knew that if I had stayed, I would have been single for the rest of my God-given life, and said to my SoulSister, Christine, over 4 years ago that “He’s not here [Massachusetts]…” She knew the certainty in my voice that it was true. By the time my move to Colorado came around, I was so done dating in Massachusetts, and I felt like I was wasting my time there. I wasn’t content being single, I just knew it wasn’t the right place for me to find what I knew I wanted and deserved.
With my job, I felt like I was just plugging along, burning my energy and spirit day after day. I love education and I love teaching, and I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention I’m damn good at it, but I couldn’t sustain the levels of enthusiasm and energy that I once had when I first started my career. I knew that had to change as well, and when I asked for guidance as to what my next steps should be, I kept receiving the same message: Change Direction. And I allowed that to filter into my next phase as I transitioned to a new life in Colorado.
Even my social life started to shift in Massachusetts, and I found myself spending more and more time alone. And if I wasn’t alone, I still felt like I was missing something that couldn’t be fulfilled there. My heart and soul were being called to the mountains and by the nature of the west, and breaking away from the life I knew meant also leaving the ocean and elevating to all new heights.
Now, six months in to this new book, I can say that it hasn’t been easy, and it has taken a lot of strength, bravery, humbleness, and complete surrender and vulnerability to move forward. Talk about breaking away! I don’t think I knew any of those things before in the way I know them now.
And it took a lot of fighting myself and the tests around me that I constantly battled that tried to pull me back into my old way of doing things and into the old life I used to live. But every time a test came along, I took time to recognize why it was there and made the conscious choice to break away from the old and pursue the new, because there is no other way to do this than to just keep moving into this life fully.