Been a long time coming since I’ve seen your face
I’ve been everywhere and back trying to replace
Everything that I had ’til my feet went numb
Praying like a fool that’s been on the run…
Like the beat of my own heart, the lyrics pulsed in my ears, as if they were meant only for me. The darkness that instigated me earlier in the summer was finally gone. It lifted out of my soul, exploding like a million butterflies exiting their cocoon.
Unexpectedly, it came less than a week into the Africa trip. Our group was engaged in a 2-hour Sunday meeting, discussing how we were acclimating to our new surroundings, working with the kids at the orphanage, and embracing the South African culture. One of my pod mates and I were sitting on a chair together. She leaned over and whispered to me, out of nowhere: “If you’re ever a mom, you’ll be a great one…”
That’s all it took. To this day, I can’t fully explain the depth to which her words reached into my fears, my insecurities, my doubts, my walls of protection, and knocked every single one down with a deft swoop.
I felt it break. I felt the walls come down. And I sobbed from deep within. Deep within a place that our ancestors longed for their freedom, from a place where love is unwillingly shackled to stone walls, from a place where fears are fed and dreams are only in slumber. I felt generations bleed through my tears.
And it didn’t stop. It was perfect. It was beautiful. It’s where I saw myself for the first time.
Heart’s still beating but it’s not working
It’s like a million dollar phone that you just can’t ring
I reached out trying to love but I feel nothing
Yeah, my heart is numb
For the first time in this lifetime, I felt something I hadn’t felt before: love. Pure love. Love without consequence. Love without restriction. Love without condition. Pure Love.
I couldn’t control the love pouring out of me. I didn’t care who saw my exhibited emotion, because I knew I was in a safe place for this experience to manifest into nothing but compassion. And it did. Over the next week and a half, I experienced more love to nourish every cell of my being until my soul finally transcends to its non-physical form.
But with you, I feel again…
There was a light in my eyes and heart that I hadn’t seen before. I connected to people on a soul level in ways I never had. There was a calm that came over me which I hadn’t experienced until then. I let go of my judgements, I let go of my assumptions, I let go of me. And everything after that was cream cheese.
I’m feeling better ever since you know me
I was a lonely soul, but that’s the old me
To say that this was the single most life-changing, life-affirming moment of my existence is not giving it the credit it deserves. However, how do we truly give credit to and honor those moments that resonate with us for as long as we breathe? The real answer is that we stop every once in a while and remember just how we were in that moment and what it meant to us. We reconnect to those emotions and to the freedom the heart felt as it happened. We recognize that the shackles were mere shadows attached through cellular memory, and no longer apply to where we go from there.
Sometimes we cry those same tears, knowing that we will never be the same. No matter how hard we try to fit in to our old lives, the lives before the bursting of the cocoon, it just doesn’t work. We aren’t those people anymore. We are the butterflies with perfect wings that allow us to soar through the rest of our journey.
A little wiser now from what you’ve shown me
I feel again…