It’s no surprise when two people who come together in the prime of their spiritual awakening don’t make it as a couple. That’s just how it goes. You can’t have one person transition to a greater experience while the other is also on the same path at the exact same time, because there is too much up in the air – your world, his world, and the world you thought you’d create together. I was blindly determined to make this work, but I knew something just wasn’t right.
I’m wide awake,
Yeah, I was in the dark
I was falling hard
With an open heart
For months I felt as if I were floating through life, jumping from one amazing experience to the next. I came back from Africa, left for Colorado (TWICE!!!) without any real notice, found my “one”, started dating my “one”, decided to put my condo on the market, sold my condo, and broke up with the “one”. No balance, no security, and quite frankly, no safety net.
How did I read the stars so wrong?
All of that happened in three very short, very trying months. So what signs did I miss? I felt like I was doing everything for us and left very little of that time to do things for me. Wasn’t I also in the midst of a significant life change? One where I was giving up everything I knew, from my hair color (I used to be a blonde!), to my home, to my car, to my (eventually) job, to my bike, to my friends, to my… life. Everything I knew before leaving for Africa was completely different. And now I didn’t even have my partner to be by my side through all of this.
And now it’s clear to me
That everything you see
Ain’t always what it seems
Yeah, I was dreaming for so long
I was in an abyss of change like I’d never known it before. One minute I had the life I’d always wanted with the guy, the job, the great friends, the passport teeming with stamps, family who loved and supported me, real estate, and the next I was pummeled with complete confusion. Nothing looked like my life anymore. Nothing was going to go as “planned”. Chris wasn’t going to move here, and I wasn’t going to move there. After we said our “see you laters”, I crashed. I burned. I did what any broken-hearted girl with major life changes does. I ate. A lot.
Falling from cloud nine
Crashing from the high
I’m letting go tonight
Yeah, I’m falling from cloud nine
I questioned every single second of my existence since returning from Africa. I questioned why I was so drawn to Colorado. I questioned why I met Chris. I questioned why our experience was necessary. I questioned what I was doing with my life, because nothing felt right. I forced myself into social situations that were once comforting, but now felt like I was that square peg in the round hole. I pretended that I could move on in my career, resisting any sort of knowledge that there was something underlying, pushing me to expand beyond the classroom. I tried to be an active part of my family, attending our large family gatherings, yet feeling so small when I did. I tried to smile, I tried to laugh, I tried to blend back in to the world I once knew… but I just couldn’t. All I wanted to be was alone.
I wish I knew then,
What I know now,
Wouldn’t dive in,
Wouldn’t bow down
You made it so sweet,
Till I woke up,
On the concrete
Any which way you look at it, hitting rock bottom hurts. I think I lived there momentarily while sorting out the details of what was next to come, but not without a price. Sleeping didn’t come naturally, at least for a year after falling from cloud nine. Dealing with any rational, real-world situations was anything but rational. Analyzing my life was a constant, and making sense of it was moot. Nothing was going to change until divine timing allowed for it.
And it did. Eventually I had to face myself and all of the truths I gained from those few months. What I found was something I never had before: strength. I mean true, honest, devout strength. Strength that forced me to stand up, speak my mind, set boundaries with those who needed them, and love even harder those who deserved it. My strength forced me to open up to my own heart, and see what was inside that had been screaming to get out. My strength forced me to see the truth in so many friendships that were selfish and one-sided, and where I was the emotional punching bag. My strength allowed me to know that it was okay to let those people go, and my strength allowed me to know who and what to bring in even closer. My strength pushed me toward a better version of me, a version I actually like, and want to be.
I’m wide awake,
Yeah, I’m born again,
Out of the lion’s den,
I don’t have to pretend
I certainly was wide awake. I was waking up to myself, and to the many gifts surrounding me each and every day. The journey wasn’t about Chris, nor was it about Africa, but it was about my heart and soul opening up, waking up, to a life that had to change. There was no choice left, because I had exhausted everything that was, and all that was left to do was break through the old so that something more wonderful, more beautiful could exist.
And that transformation is finally able to emerge.